I can't even find the words to describe how life is as a yo yo. One minute you're shining, smiling and feel like everything is beginning to go in the right direction, and within two minutes all of that being ruined once again. Katlyn was all set to go back to Canada tomorrow. We were so close this time and so excited to be on Canadian soil again. But with Katlyn's doctor came a very familiar speech that we have already heard twice before now. Her t-cell proliferation has dropped to an extremely low number. Therefore, she is not safe to leave this room. They want her function to be at 10,000 and they got the results back today that Katlyn was 500.
You would think that we would be so used to all of this. The past year of our lives have been nothing but a huge roller coaster ride of emotions. We are only human though and I'm not sure how much more of this we can take. I just want my little girl to get better. There isn't one thing in this world I wouldn't do to make that happen. I want her to be able to be strong enough to live a normal life. I just want it so bad.
The feeling I get inside my stomach and in my heart having Katyn sick are the most unpleasant feelings I have ever felt. A part of me is lost and will remain lost until she is healthy. To be completely honest I'm scared to death. I just don't want anything bad to happen to Katlyn. She has been through so much already in her short life and really I couldn't imagine her having to go through anymore. I know this journey is far from over. I know that. But I want so badly to start seeing some more light through that tunnel. It always seems as though every time we take one step forward we take a couple back.
Right now she's playing with her dad and she really is the smartest, funniest and sweetest little girl in this whole world. She is so tough. She is going to do great.
I pray to God that Johnathan and I can somehow find some more reserve of strength inside us. We need to remain strong for Katlyn. We have to. We have no choice. But to be truthful I feel as though I'm going to lose it.
It is so frustrating not being able to have answers to all of our questions about Katlyn's condition. I know her condition is extremely rare, but it would be nice to know something instead of always guessing. This is all just eating me up inside.
I hate living in this world. Having a sick child and being in the atmosphere with sick children all around you isn't fun. I know that some of you reading this are in this same world, but some of you will never understand. It really is so heartbreaking.
One thing that this whole experience has taught me is to be grateful for what we do have. I have the most amazing girl. She is the toughest most bravest sweetie ever. She never lets anything get her down. She's a fighter through and through, and that is how I know she is going to fight this. You know it's really hard to stay upset about anything with Katlyn in my life. She just always seems to make thing better. I mean........if you could see her.
So the plan is to get another proliferation done to see where Katlyn is with her t-cell function. Hopefully all is well. I pray it is.
She's a tough cookie and she's really going to fight her deficiency. I know it. I can feel it in my heart.